A Real Estate Photographer's Life: Chaos, Cameras and Cujo

My mainline is being an architectural photographer - ok, that’s a glamorous way of saying I take photos of 3 bedroom two-story colonials for realtors that finally understand that cell phone photos stink, so they pay me to stink less.

Like any job, it has it good and bad points, and always some stories to share. I’ve photographed everything you can live in, except maybe a yurt and a car; single-wide trailers to gorgeous homes by the water. I’ve seen homes so tidy, Martha Stewart would swoon, and homes so trashed, the crew from the TV show Hoarders didn’t want to film there. Homes that look light you’ve just stepped onto an alternate The Brady Bunch set, and homes in which the children own the home and the parents just live there.

What’s supposed to happen is I go into a home that is ready to shoot with lights on, is all picked up, and hopefully just the agent is there.

Ha-ha….yeah, well….

When you ring the bell and you hear a dog bark, that’s red flag number one; you don’t know if this dog is going to be Lassie or Cujo. I instantly make a mental note to watch my steps in the backyard when I take my exteriors for any doggie bombs secretly hidden. Another red flag is that look the realtor gives you, like….”Come here, I need to talk to you…”  upon entering, which usually means they aren’t ready for a shoot in some way.  Oh the sellers think the place is picked up - and yes, compared to what they are normally used to, it is - but not for marketing purposes. Then the phrase “We’ll have to move a few things room to room for you” means, I’ll be helping them schlep crap the owner didn’t pack away, or had no more room left to hide in the closets, as we go. Of course, there’s always those people that are STILL picking up when I arrive, still cleaning, because apparently they were just told I was going to be here in an hour, and not a week ago when it was scheduled, like some college student getting ready for a landlord inspection.

Then there are the sometimes freaky owners that watch your every move, because, I guess, they think you are going to rob them blind. Yes lady, I’ve got my eye on your Stars of NASCAR decanters and I’m not leaving without them!

Trying to photograph occupied renter homes is a real crap shoot. If they don’t want to move, they poison the shoot by not picking up, refusing to move out of the shot - even not getting out of bed! Some won’t even let me in.   

Realtors sometimes get calls back from the sellers, because they “had concerns” about my photos; that they would like me to come back to re-take a few (basically all). These were critical concerns, such as a pillow not looking right on the couch, or perhaps not taking a wide enough shot to make their living room look like the interior of a blimp hangar. It’s not like I’ve shot over 3,000 homes or anything, I certainly am new at what I do, and damn it, misplaced pillow photos have been known to sink many a real estate deal. It’s really about the homeowner wanting their 1960s era home with furniture from IKEA to look like a featured photo shoot in Better Homes and Gardens. Lady, I have news for you - no one is going to look at the picture of your den for several minutes, and notice the dog toy a forensic image analyst would miss.;  people just swipe through these photos at a rate of about one every 3 seconds, and know whether or not they are interested in the house about 10 swipes in; it’s kinda like Tinder for homes.

I love the realtors that want ALL the photo spaces available online to them to be filled with photos. Doesn’t matter if the place is 1,000 square feet, and I’m struggling to get twenty photos; no, all fifty slots must be filled up! Taking a photo of that light switch cover or the shower curtain of The Little Mermaid could make all the difference in a sale.

I use a drone as part of my business; no, not the government’s Reaper drone that some panicky neighbors think I have - it’s just this buzzing like camera ‘copter. I’ve had instances where neighbors will come out, ostensibly just puttering around the lawn, while keeping a keen eye on the drone, and I’ll chat them up and let them know what I’m doing. Some think I’m looking in their 2nd bedroom window, taking pictures of their wives getting dressed. Yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m using this mildly loud quadcopter with blinking lights during broad daylight to try to get a shot of your wife - and your neighbor is selling his house to complete the illusion I’m doing something innocent! Wow you caught me.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bad. I’ve had some interesting conversations with homeowners. One guy had a huge garage with four mint 1950s era Corvettes he’d tinker with and occasionally kiss, I’d imagine. The garage had all kinds of tools and instrumentation, even an apartment above it in case he wanted to shower and nap and not bother walking the 200 feet back to the house. Then there was this middle-aged Italian couple with the converted garage, with a large hot tub in it - and mirrors above it. Maybe THAT place I should have used my drone for nefarious purposes!